A long story

So I'm here today to tell a story. It’s kind of a long story. This is the only place where I keep a family record, so I feel like this needs to be told as part of our family's story.

The past year has not been the greatest year for us. I mentioned that this past August I had a miscarriage, but today I'm here to tell you that's just a third of the story. At the start of 2012 we decided that it might be time to complete our family. One of my driving forces was that I could either just go ahead and get pregnant or I could lose those 10 lbs I'd put on since running the marathon. So right away we got pregnant. When Jesse and I found out he just looked at me and said, "well that was easy."  About a week later I had some spotting. I sat down and cried that night convinced that I was about to have a miscarriage and I would not last the night. Well, that was all there was. Not so much spotting as just a spot. (Sorry) anyway, a couple more weeks passed and I would have intermittent spotting. I was always nervous because with the previous pregnancies I'd had, I'd never had any spotting at all. So I made an appointment to see the doctor to see what was going on and my first visit was inconclusive. So they had me do blood work and come back In a week. A week later, and still things are inconclusive.  The doctor could not tell me if I had a viable pregnancy. So we scheduled for another week later. However, by that point the bleeding had picked up. I did another blood test, but soon I was to complete the miscarriage.

Physically, I had it easy. In reality, this was more of a blighted ovum. There was never a heartbeat, it was just a pregnancy gone wrong right from the start. Plus, I already had 3 healthy kids, and that really did help me cope. I would have more time.

So we waited a few months and then we thought, lets get on with things, so I got pregnant again. This time, no spotting, went to the doctor at 8 weeks, and everything looked great. There was that little heartbeat on the monitor, here was out baby. But then I went back at about 12 weeks and as the doctor was searching for the heartbeat she just could not find it. So we did another ultrasound and as I sat there looking at the monitor I knew right away that something was not right. I could not see the little flutter that was the heartbeat. The doctor could not measure a heartbeat and the baby was measuring several weeks small. That was difficult. I was at the doctor alone that day, so I cried into the doctor's shoulder. I then had to drive pick up the kids, and go to my moms house where we were getting together with family in from out of town. We all cried together, but that night laughter was my best medicine. I made it through.

Since i was farther along, they scheduled a D&C, which I was relieved about. I didn't want to deal with this on my own. I was scared. I was nervous because the procedure was several days off, and I just didn't want to have to do it on my own. In the end, I miscarried the night before I was scheduled to go in. I sat on my couch and watched movies through it. The Lord knew that even though I was scared, I could handle it, and once again, physically, it was not so bad. The biggest problem was that I was fasting, and I'll tell you, that is not something you want to be fasting for. So in the end I didn't end up having the procedure. That time was harder for me emotionally it was all so abrupt. I ended up with some post postpartum depression, and ended up going on Zoloft for a little while. This time we decided that we were going to wait a little longer but all the same, I wanted to get a move on things. We only wanted one more baby, and we didn't want the little one to be off by itself age-wise.

So then, almost a year after we first got pregnant, I got pregnant for a third time. Once again, spotting early on caused me to sit down one night and mourn another pregnancy that I was certain would not last the night. But it went away. Plus, I went into the doctor, and this time at 6 weeks things were not so ambiguous, there was the baby and there was the heartbeat. But there was this other thing called a subchorianic hemorrhage. I had it with Olivia, and it basically means that there is a pocket of blood where there should not be. It does increase the risk of miscarriage, but it also explained the spotting. But all the same, it needed to be monitored. So I went back a few times. Each time, there was the heartbeat, and each time the doctors were very reassuring. I went to the perinatologist at 13 weeks for the first trimester screening, and he went on and on about how healthy things looked. A week and a half later we had some déjà vu at the Ob’s office. First she did the Doppler and could not find a heartbeat that she was sure was not mine. Then we went to the other room to do another sonogram, and the first thing that I noticed was that there was no flutter of a heartbeat. My heart was broken. Three times! What was going on? I was so worried that some huge tragedy was about to befall us. Oh, and this time around they noticed that my thyroid numbers were low. So I went to see a specialist for that and she found nodules on my thyroid. Most likely benign, but all the same, when they do a biopsy it's because they're looking for one thing. So I was still waiting for my results at this point, and I was convinced that I had cancer. If it had not been for the previous 2 miscarriages, they would not have sent me to have the tests done, and it would not have been found until it was too late. As it turned out, I don't have cancer, but it did have me worried for a bit.

This time around there was another D&C scheduled, and this time I prayed for the opposite. I didn't want the surgery, I just wanted to do it on my own. In another bout of déjà vu, I once again miscarried the night before I was supposed to go in, once again, while fasting. This time however, I was not able to get all of it out on my own, so I ended up having the procedure anyway. And guess what, everything was just fine. Why do I sometimes get the feeling that God is just up in heaven saying, OK, I heard what you wanted, but guess what? You need to learn to trust Me more, so this is what you are going to get.

So then came the big question: what now? Well, when you have 3 miscarriages in a row they call you a habitual aborter, and all of the sudden insurance starts to pay for things. After just a few days of freaking out about my future, and the size of our family I decided that I would not make any decisions for a year. So I'm going to take some time off and focus on me and the kids that I already have. As I went in for testing I was fairly convinced that they would not find any explanation. The doctors were all stumped. It's like I have these totally healthy babies right up until they die. The chromosome analysis came back normal. I figured that this would be something that I would have to do totally on faith, knowing that The Lord knows best what our family needs. But then the OB called and started talking about mutated genes, so I figure this means that I get to go away to X-Men school and learn how to be a superhero. At the very least, it sounds like there might be hope for another pregnancy. I find out more today when I go in to talk about things.

So that's where I am. I'm going to be honest, I'm back on the Zoloft, and sometimes I think that's the only reason I've held it together. But the thing is, I really don't have any other option. Shutting down and staying in bed crying just is not an option, so I didn't do it. Would it have been nice to just shut down for a few days? Sure, but on the other hand, hugging my kids helped immensely.  I'll never know the pain of having to wonder if I'll ever have kids. If the doctor were to tell me that I could not have any more kids, I could be OK with that. There would even be parts of me that would be relieved. There would also be a part of me that would feel like something was missing, but its something I could come to terms with. I am so much better off than so many people who have struggled with infertility, and the strength of those women I know who have had to come to terms with the fact that they will never bear children, is not something I would ever dare to compare myself to.

I had a friend who had a miscarriage, and her doctor told her that it was something that happened to a lot of women, but we don't talk about it. And it's true, it's not something that you just bring up in casual conversation.  “Oh, that reminds me of when I had my miscarriage last month,” is not something that most people say. And I was thinking about it, and I think that the main reason I don't talk about it, is because it can make the other person feel awkward. Its the same reason that I don't bring up the death of my father. People just don't know what to say, and I'd like to spare them that experience. There were a few people from church who were also pregnant, and I had told them that I was expecting, and then later when I had to tell them that I had miscarried I didn't want to do it. I didn't want them to feel bad that they were healthy and I was not. So I find that it's just easier to not bring it up unless someone else does first. I'm happy to share my experiences, and if anyone actually reads this, please feel free to pass it on to someone who might need to read it. So that is one reason we don't talk about it.

The other reason is that I don't want the pity. It feels brash to say this,  but I'm over it. I'm fine. And when I was not over it, you giving me the pity eyes didn't help me to feel better. It reminded me that I was In a position to be pittied. So there is that too. But at the end of the day, it's a hard thing to go through, and maybe it's better if we do share our experiences. That is one of the reasons I'm putting this on the Internet, so that maybe one day someone will come across it, and it will be just what they need at the time.

So I'm here to say that I made it through. I know that every step of the way The Lord knew what I wanted, and not just that, He knew the desires of my heart. Things that I can hardly articulate, but He knew. I also knew that He would not give me more than I could handle, and sure enough, I was able to bear the burdens placed on me. There have been things that have made our current situation of only having 3 kids more convenient for the time being, and I'm sure He knew about all of that stuff too. What I'm going to end with is that not once did I ever question God’s love for me. Bad things happening in our life have nothing to do with how much God loves us. Every time my child falls and gets hurt, is that because I don't love them? No. And that's not how it is with our Heavenly Father as well. This past year, life handed us lemons, but I feel like we've come away with not only lemonade, but also lemon sherbet, and lemon chicken, and maybe even a lemon cheesecake or a lemon meringue pie. 


An update 3 years later:
So I wanted to finish my story. I have a friend who is collecting stories like this, and I'd like mine to be complete before I give it to her. As it turns out, I have 2 gene mutations- MTHFR and Factor 5 Leiden. They are fairly common, but both of them are blood clotting disorders, and they actually explain a lot of other things. Can I have more children- probably, but I'd have to get daily blood thinner injections, as well as go on a super prenatal vitamin, all the while being on some pretty heavy antianxiety medication.  I know that I would be checking several times a day for blood, and expecting it every time. The thing is, I've had these since birth, so I was able to have 3 healthy pregnancies without any of those things. I could do it again. 
BUT- ultimately we decided that we weren't going to try again. Jesse didn't want to see me go through another miscarriage. I didn't want to have another one. Before my last pregnancy I still felt like our family was not complete. But now I don't have that feeling anymore. Would the Lord be OK if we wanted more kids? Yes he would. Do we want more kids. Not necessarily. 
Now that I'm several years past it, I have all of my kids in school all day long. I don't have to get up for midnight feedings. No diapers. I am feeling like I'm in another phase of life right now, and I'm happy to be there. Sometimes I even feel like I was lucky to have those miscarriages, because I am enjoying this phase so much. I feel terrible saying that, but it is the truth.   
So I guess I'm here to say that there can be peace, and healing. I find mine through the Lord, and my loved ones around me. Talking and sharing definitely helps as well.  Oh, and also, since I know you're wondering if you have read all the way to the end- even though I have a gene mutation, the x-men didn't call me. Apparently the ability to have random blood clots was not enough of a draw for them.